(Note for returning readers: Post written primarily by James.)
I recently spoke with a friend, who was concerned about the clothing that his wife would wear out to parties and other social gatherings.
The question was sort of like this – if she was already faithfully married to him, why wear clothes that show off part of her body? Who was she trying to impress? This gnawed at him, and made him feel like she was planning to cheat at worst – or at the very least, go out of her way to attract attention from other guys.
Thankfully, the real cause usually isn’t anything like this.
It Comes Down To This – Do You Trust Her?
Here’s the reality of the situation, so take it for what you will:
If someone is going to cheat on their partner, it’s not going to be because of the clothes that they wear. Plain and simple.
Clothes do not advertise that someone is open to getting with someone, and your wife is going to get attention from other guys whether she wears very little, or she dresses like she’s preparing for the next big snow storm. Such is the way of men.
It’s one thing if she’s showing off the goodies, that you two have agreed are supposed to be for your eyes only. However, if you’re concerned that she’s wearing something you feel shows off her attractiveness, it’s not really an issue with the clothes at all.
Instead, you are saying…
- I don’t trust her to reject the advances of the men she will be around.
- I believe she will cheat if the opportunity presents itself.
- I don’t have enough faith in her to stay faithful to us.
These are all insecurities that point at us, and may indicate some sort of larger trust issue that should be addressed.
After all, if we had utmost trust and faith in our partner, it wouldn’t matter what she wore. It wouldn’t matter who was there, or how long she’d be gone. Prince Charming could be at that party ready to sail with her away into the sunset, and you wouldn’t have the slighest worry or anxiety in your mind.
Of course, I understand the concern. Cheating does happen, and it often comes as a surprise when it does. The idea of our wives cheating on us can be crushing.
But if you trust her, you don’t have anything to worry about – and the clothes she wears are often a lot smaller deal than we make them out to be.
Women Often Dress Nice For THEMSELVES, Not To Please Others
When Amara and I first started dating, I used to get incredibly frustrated with the amount of time it would take her to get ready.
I used to say something along the lines of, “Our relationship is pretty serious. Who are you trying to impress?”
In my mind, the 45+ minutes of putting on makeup and agonizing between which color jacket to wear with the shirt felt both silly and pointless. To me, I loved her and found her attractive as she was, so she had no reason to put so much work into her appearance each time we went out.
However, I was looking at it from the entirely wrong angle.
Just because women care about their appearance, does not mean that they are seeking attraction or validation from other men at all.
Instead, they may go to great lengths to look good so they can feel good about themselves.
Think about it – when you’re in shape, or wearing a suit, or you have a pump from working out at the gym, you feel attractive. It doesn’t matter that you aren’t trying to meet women. You genuinely feel better about yourself, you feel more confident, more outgoing, and everything just feels great.
Many girls have gone their whole lives with an excessive amount of their self-worth based upon their appearance. Parents, schoolmates, friends – so much of the praise they’ve received their entire lives was based on the way they looked or dressed.
So, don’t jump to conclusions like I did, and assume that she is dressing good just for other guys. She’s doing it for herself, more than anyone else.
And even when she is dressing nicely for someone else, that someone else is you.
Amara also confessed this to me – she wants to look good, because she felt it made ME look good by having a wife others would perceive as more attractive. How foolish was I to jump to such conclusions, when she was actually doing something nice for ME?
When In Doubt, Ask!
A simple solution, but one we often forget to do!
Dictating what your partner is ‘allowed’ to wear is wrong. However, it’s natural to be concerned, and these concerns should not necessarily be suppressed even if you do honestly trust your wife.
There is no harm in explaining your discomfort with the situation, and talking through it together. It will almost always help you feel better, and help your wife understand your perspective as well.
Just remember to come from it at the right angle. You will fare a lot better if you make the focus on how you don’t trust other guys, rather than plainly stating that you’ll worried she’ll cheat.
Just because your wife is wearing revealing clothes out, does not mean she has any intention to cheat on you whatsoever.
This is true regardless of where she’s going, and who will be there. If someone plans to cheat, it will not be decided but what they’re wearing.
I’d love to hear your specific story or concerns in the comment section below. Maybe there’s some input we can provide?
In any case, we’re wishing you the best!
– James and Amara McAllister